SegaXtreme

Twas the night before Christmas and caught at the light,
Was a domestic V8 and no cops in sight,
I will try, I will try, I will try with this small motor,
To beat this damn Camaro, even with its big blower,
As the light goes green and I pull like no joke,
The Camaro erupts in clouds of tire smoke,
Now Smasher, now Rev-ver, now Stroker, now Blitzin,
These are the names of my four VTEC pistons,
Racing ahead I'm the star of the action,
But I know I'm in trouble when V8 gets traction,
Grabbing second, I hear the RPM's sing,
My mirror is blocked by my shopping kart wing,
I now hear the roar of the big monster gaining,
All I can do is keeping the four-banger straining,
In a second, the shock wave hits with a blast,
And my stickers go flying now a thing of the past,
Don't bother with third, cause now it's too late,
Just try to act cool, like you can relate,
Looking up at the taillights as they get smaller,
The driver back off just to give me a holler,
"You can't win them all," he says in fling,
"You may not win any, in that silly thing,"
I smiled and revved as he pulled out of sight,
With my new mods tomorrow?it will be a better night.

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		IceDigger		Nov 15, 2004
			Post your best jokes, your worst jokes, long ones, short ones, one liners, and everything in between. Lawyer, Redneck, knee-slappers--anything. A priest, a rabbi, a cop, and a polish guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks "what is this, some kind of joke?" So there are two bratwursts frying in a frying pan. One of them says, "Holy crap it's hot in here!" The other one says, "Holy crap a talking bratwurst!" Two cows were standing in a field, munching some grass. One stopped and thought for a moment. "You know, this mad cow disease is sure some scary stuff. Doesn't it bother you, too?" The second one replied, "Why would it? I'm a squirrel."

		Supergrom_vbulletin3_import15713		Nov 15, 2004
			haha, those are all classic. lets see if i can think of one... ok, this one is old and lame but t is all that comes to mind what does a fish say when it swims into a wall? daaaaammmmmmn!

		ExCyber		Nov 15, 2004
			One of my all-time favorites: In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"

		VertigoXX		Nov 16, 2004
			Once upon a time... Three squires from the Kindom of Camelot were traveling across the countryside. Tired and hungry, they came upon a castle. They knocked upon the castle's front gate and were greeted by a beautiful lady. One of the squires then said, "We are three squires from the Kindom of Camelot. We are on a long journey and were hoping you might be able to grant us some food and water." The lady replied, "Very well, but you must enter one at a time." She then took the first squire into the castle walls and led him into the garden. They reached a bench, where she motioned for him to sit down. "It has been five long years since my hudsband, the Knight, left with King Arthur on the quest for the Holy Grail. It has been five long years since I've felt the attentions of a man. If you can satisfy my hungers, I will give you your food and water." The squire, well aware of her great beauty, sputtered an "okay" and brought her to the ground. He dropped his trousers, waded through the folds of her dress, and gave her all he had. When he had finished, the lady said, "Mmmm... that was good," and led him through the castle and out the back gate, where she gave him one loaf of bread and one skin of water. Then she returned to the front gate. Next, she took the second squire into the castle walls and led him into the garden. They reached the bench, where she motioned for him to sit down. "It has been five long years since my hudsband, the Knight, left with King Arthur on the quest for the Holy Grail. It has been five long years since I've felt the attentions of a man. If you can satisfy my hungers, I will give you your food and water." The squire, keenly aware of her large bosoms, sputtered an "okay" and brought her to the ground. He dropped his trousers, waded through the folds of her dress, and gave her all he had. When he had finished, the lady said, "Mmmm... that was really good," and led him through the castle and out the back gate, where she gave him one loaf of bread and one skin of water. Then she returned to the front gate. She then led the third squire into the castle walls and to the same garden. They reached the bench, and she motioned for him to sit down. "It has been five long years since my hudsband, the Knight, left with King Arthur on the quest for the Holy Grail. It has been five long years since I've felt the attentions of a man. If you can satisfy my hungers, I will give you your food and water." The squire, aware that his two buddies had probably heard the same speech and knowing his own limitations, grinned, said "okay" and brought her to the ground. As he waded through the folds of her dress, he reached up and grabbed and ear of corn. Using the corn, he gave her all he could until the ear was too soggy to continue. He then threw the corn over the castle wall and grabbed another ear and did the same. When it was too moist to continue, over the wall it went and he grabbed another, and then another. When he had finished the fourth ear, the lady said, "Oooohhhh... Please, stop, I can't take any more!" She then gathered herself and led him through the castle and out the back gate, where she gave him three loaves of bread and three skins of water. As the third squire exited the castle and saw his two friends sitting there, each with their single loaves and single skins, he said, "Hey, look, I got THREE loaves of bread and THREE skins of water!" The first squire looked at him, smiled, and said, "Yeah, but we got hot buttered corn!"

		IceDigger		Nov 21, 2004
			While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep. He began a conversation: Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian: Look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: Look of total disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: Extreme look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." Indian: Total look of utter amazement. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep liar."

		Supergrom_vbulletin3_import15713		Nov 21, 2004
			What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? their last hit was the wall

		IceDigger		Mar 26, 2005
			A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph! The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?" The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that." The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?" The man replied, "I don't have one officer." "Of course you do," said the policeman. "No sir, I don't," said the man. "So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman. "This is not my car, I stole it," said the man. "You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman. "Yes I'm afraid so sir," Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to." The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun." "Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic. "So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!" "Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk." "Jesus!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?" "Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated. "Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Donât move, donât even breathe." So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!" He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said. "I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman. "Iâll be right there," said the chief. In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine. The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, ehm may I see your drivers license?" "Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket. Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?" "Yes," said the man. "Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief. The man leaned over to open the glove compartment. "Please don't open it sir!" said the chief. "Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration." "I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there." "Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy. "Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment." "Yes," said the man, "And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief. "BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?" "Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers licence, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk." "The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding as well!"

		IceDigger		May 22, 2005
			I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new enviroment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies 5 hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He wouldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys.

		metal_gameboy		Oct 15, 2005
			This one I heard a couple of years ago: What does Saddam Hussien and Fred Flintstone have in common? When they look out their window, they both see rubble.

		metal_gameboy		Oct 15, 2005
			A blonde, a redhead, and a brunnette are up against a firing squad, about to be shot for crimes unknown. Suddenly, they get the idea to think up a natural disaster to escape the squad. The brunnette goes first and says "tornado", then jumps out the window. The redhead is next and says "earthquake", then also jumps out the window. The blonde is last and says "fire"......bang! _____________________________________________________________ A blonde is driving through the countryside when she sees another blonde out in a corn field, rowing in a row boat. The blonde gets out of the car and says "what are you doing?" The blonde in the rowboat says "what does it look like? I'm rowing". Finally, the blonde near the car says "you know what, you give blondes a bad name; if I could swim, I would come out there and kick your ass".

		Dark Samurai		May 22, 2005
			^ lol so stupid its funny...

		striker_vbulletin3_import16173		Dec 22, 2005
			So there's this blonde and she's dead broke. She decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom fee. So, she goes to the playground of a preppy school, grabs a girl, and attaches a note saying: "Bring 1 million dollars to the tree behind this playground tomorrow, and give the money to the person pictured below, or else your daughter will get it". She attached her picture and off the girl went. The next day, the girl came back with a briefcase and 1 million dollars inside. On the top, there was a note: "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

		pistol		Jun 12, 2006
			"Doctor, I can't get this steering wheel out of my underpants! Its drivng me nuts!" Old woman stands in her kitchen doing the dishes and a fairy(get it) godmother appears. "I will grant you thre wishes" Old woman asks for a bigger house and lots of money A Flash of the wand and its done She then asks to be 21 and attractive again A Flash of the wand and its done Finally she asks for her cat to be the perfect man A Flash of the wand and its done Old woman says to the man, " I am going to make sweet passionate love to you on the bedroom floor" "I wish I could. You sent me to the vet you bitch!"

		vbt		Jun 22, 2006
			no picture thread

		Cubeguy		Jan 23, 2006
			Ok... There are these two guys. One with a black labrador and the other with a chuaua. They have been walking for a while and pass a pulbic pub. There is a sign though that says "No Dogs Allowed". The man with the lab says "Geez I'm thirsty... Let's get a drink!" The man with the Chuaua replies "What about the sign?" The man with the lab replies "Just follow my lead... So the man with the lab puts on his sunglasses and walks in. The manager immeadieatly approachs him and asks "Can't you read? No dogs allowed." But he replies "Sir, this is my seeing eye dog." With that the manager apoligizes and lets him in. Now the man with the Chuaua gets his sunglasses on. He walks in and the manager approaches him. "What's wrong with you. No dogs allowed." He replies "But it's my seeing eye dog!" The manager laughs and says "A Chuaua, a seeing eye dog, I don't think so..." The man thinks quickly and says "A Chuaua, they gave me a chuaua?!"

		stealth7799		Aug 7, 2006
			So an old guy is driving down the highway when he gets a call. It's his wife, and she's yelling; "Be careful, there's some crazy fool driving the wrong way on the highway!" The old guy replies, "It's not just one person, it's hundreds of people!"

		mc_squirrel		Nov 12, 2006
			What is the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? ... I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.